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When I couldn’t yet label my experience, reading other women’s stories helped me find words for my PMDD journey. I found a safe space full of recognition and validation. It’s important to talk about the things that matter and show each other that we are not alone in our struggles, which is why I want to share my PMDD journey with you.

I remember the exact moment that I knew I was not okay. It was a Wednesday and I was standing in my son’s room, trying to get him dressed. I was exhausted and I was crying. The idea of having to come up with a fun activity for the day was just overwhelming. 

The worst days – when PMDD took over my life

PMDD doesn’t get easier, just because you have found a word for it. A typical day in my PMDD journey would look like this:

Today, I am sick. I have just sent my husband out to take our son to school. Now I let my employer know, I will not be able to work today. It is all getting too much for me and I need to rest.

I know there are many things that are good for me: doing yoga, taking a walk, reading a book in peace. And what do I end up doing on my sick day? Lying on the sofa and watching old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. After all, I don’t have the energy for more.

black and white photo of Claudia lying on the couch with her son

Stupid day 14!

When our son comes home from school, I am still not really able to do anything fun and I am glad my husband is taking care of him. I do notice, though, how little I can tolerate today. Every request from my little son annoys me. Normally, I don’t know the word “procrastination” and our son just goes to bed the way he wants. But just this evening, after dinner, he needs dessert, and play, and maybe bathe after all, and oh yes another dessert. Everything in me screams that I really want to ‘just’ get my rest now and he should ‘just’ go to bed. 

On a good day I can handle this, but not tonight! My irritation gave way to anger. And I bark at him that now is the time to go to sleep. Stupid day 14! By now, I recognize that I am in the luteal phase of my cycle and that all the irritation I am feeling is “just” PMDD symptoms. 

Looking back on my PMDD journey, I now recognize that these were the days when I felt most out of control. I thought I was failing at motherhood, long before I knew I had PMDD.

How I discovered PMDD – the search for answers

My PMDD journey truly began in December 2018, when I turned to Google in desperation. “Cyclical moodswings” or something like that. And Google actually had answers for me! Pretty soon I also ended up on the private Facebook group “PMDD Netherlands”. I found so much recognition and validation in reading these stories!

In October 2016, I gave birth to a beautiful son. It was the dark time of the year, though, and based on my past medical history, I was afraid of postpartum depression (PPD). Bingo! PPD showed up in no time. Those first 3 months, the best I could do was to survive. As winter turned to spring, my mood got better and better, and after about 10 months you could say I had put my PPD behind me. 

I also felt much better, except that I still often felt inadequate as a mother. Often on my stay-at-home day, I would get intensely sad and tired. So tired that I had no energy to do anything fun with my little boy. I would look at him and immediately start crying, because how could you not want to take care of such a sweet little boy and do fun things together? 

Or I got angry. At my husband, at my relationship and I imagined what it would be like to just leave. And all this even though I love my husband dearly. These days were hell for me. Not being able to live the life I imagined and not being able to endure the life I was living.

My PMDD journey: from clueless to diagnosis

It took almost another year for me to realise that not every stay-at-home day was the same. Once, when I was in a bad mood again, I looked at my calendar: ‘Oh, my period is due soon.’ But it was only when I kept saying this sentence to myself for several months in a row that I recognised the pattern. 

paper chart used for cycle tracking showing my PMDD journey
My slightly perfectionist symptom-tracker

In January 2019, I finally gathered the courage to talk to my GP. Sitting in my doctor’s office, my hands trembled slightly. What if they dismissed me? What if they said it was just stress? I took a deep breath and said it anyway: “I have symptoms around my cycle. Something like PMDD?” Luckily, my doctor listened—even though they didn’t know much about PMDD, they were willing to learn. I was relieved that I was not being dismissed, as so many other women with PMDD are.

It took another 6 months for me to receive my diagnosis, as the doctor wanted me to track my cycle. I must admit that my perfectionism got the better of me and I collected 6 months worth of data through a symptom tracking app, my fitness tracker, and paper-based cycle tracking. With the data showing clear spikes of symptoms around ovulation and just before menstruation, he too could no longer ignore the PMDD diagnosis.

When he said “You treat hormonal problems with more hormones”, I didn’t want to hear about it. To this day I am convinced that taking the pill had a big part in my first major depression and I was dead set against hormonal contraception. 

Managing my PMDD: what finally worked for me

It’s January 2025. As I am writing this article, I hardly ever experience PMDD symptoms anymore. I’m in chemical menopause, which means I regularly take medication to suppress my natural hormonal cycle.

However, chemical menopause is just the latest stop on my long PMDD journey. After my diagnosis in 2019 my GP referred me to a specialised women’s mental health clinic. As I wanted to manage my PMDD without hormones, this was the first step. In this phase of my PMDD journey, I tried different treatment modalities: daylight therapy, interpersonal (talk) therapy, and finally antidepressants.

Daylight therapy did little for my PMDD symptoms, but is otherwise great in treating winter depression and it works great against fatigue! The talk therapy helped me process lingering guilt from my postpartum depression and I learned that I can show up as a mom, even though I have a chronic condition that affects my mood and my relationships.

Antidepressants worked very well to lighten my mood, and to soften the sharp moments of frustration and anger. However, they did little for my energy levels and I was left exhausted throughout my cycle.

In search of more improvement of my PMDD symptoms, I turned to oral contraception again. (I should have known better.) I had a lot of side effects, such as constant spotting and turning into a “non-stop witch”  – to quote my husband. I put an end to that pretty quickly and went back to the antidepressants. I was pretty stable for 2,5 years, but couldn’t shake the fatigue, so in 2022 I got a referral to a gynaecologist and this is how I ended up in chemical menopause.

Lessons from my PMDD journey – what I want you to know

Writing down all these different stages now comes easy. I can list dates and treatments without too much emotion. When I was in the thick of it, it was not that cut and dry. Every change in treatment came with doubts and deliberation. Even though I knew if a treatment wasn’t working and that I needed to make a change, I often couldn’t bring myself to make the change right away.

This was actually quite surprising, as I always considered myself to be quite rational. “You have PMDD, you need to treat it, you will move through the options one by one” That was my mantra. And when oral contraception was on the table, I freaked out. I looked for answers in social media groups. I would call my PMDD-buddy and ask for advice.

In the end I have learned that I need to be my own advocate. No-one will do that job for me and I need to be okay with my decisions. So, I do whatever it takes to be okay with my decision: I ask for advice, I look for support.

Dealing with PMDD for me is as much about the medical intervention as it is about taking care of yourself and building resilience. Over the years I have collected quite the toolkit to deal with PMDD. But as easy as it is for me to help others, I sometimes fail to apply these tools myself. So I know that I have to reach out to my PMDD peers, because I can’t manage this alone.

If you’re on your own PMDD journey, know that you don’t have to do this alone. Support is everything, and I would be honoured to be part of your journey. Let’s chat—schedule a call with me today.