If your bedtime routine isn’t working, you’re not alone.
Many moms dread the nightly struggle: the endless negotiations, the clinging, the delays that stretch on until you’re beyond exhausted.
Maybe you’ve found yourself saying, “I just want a peaceful evening,” or “Why does bedtime feel like such a fight?”
Sound familiar? Then let’s talk honestly about what’s going on—and what can help.
Why your bedtime routine might not be working
The standard advice says that kids need consistency, structure, and soothing rituals. That’s true. But the standard advice doesn’t cover this: you need support and structure, too.
In PMDD support groups and parenting forums, I see moms asking for help with their “difficult” children. But more often than not, the behavior they’re describing—asking for water, needing the light on, wanting a specific toy—is simply their child seeking connection.
Often, those moms are seeking advice on how to manage bedtime better, the implicit question being “Why can’t my kid fall asleep independently?” to which I would counter “What’s the harm in staying with them for as long as they need you to?”
The answer to that is almost always “But I’m tired and that way, I’ll never get me time”. And that, dear mom, is the real question we need to be asking: what do you need to do for yourself to get through bedtime with enough energy left at the end of the day.
So if your bedtime routine isn’t working, it might not be because you’re doing it wrong. It might be because you’re trying to meet your child’s needs while completely running on empty.
Start the bedtime routine before bedtime
This might sound strange, but stick with me. A successful bedtime starts long before pajamas and lullabies. It starts when you have had a moment to breathe or five minutes of quiet.
My blogpost Self-care for moms: the ultimate guide for when you are overwhelmed has more ideas on how to create daily habits (in less than 5 minutes) that will help you recharge.
If you go into the evening completely drained, every delay your child makes will feel like a personal attack. That’s not because you’re a bad mom—it’s because you’re human.
Ask yourself:
- What can I do earlier in the day to top up my energy?
- Can I take 10 minutes before dinner to ground myself?
- Can I prepare something in the morning that makes evenings smoother?
- How can we divide tasks as a family to make this time easier on us?
These small changes matter. This way, your battery doesn’t run out before the day is actually done. Trying to push through when you are out of energy makes it so much harder on you and your child.
When a rigid bedtime routine isn’t working, change it up
Most moms have a bedtime routine they could recite in their sleep:
Brush teeth. Pyjamas. Two stories. One lullaby. Lights out.
And when it doesn’t go this way, we panic. Because every deviation feels like another delay in finally getting our time.
But here’s a thought: What if flexibility was part of the routine?
Could you skip a bath? Say “yes” to one more hug without worrying it’ll turn into five? Could your partner take over the “pyjama wrestling” while you refill your own cup for ten minutes?
What if the bedtime routine was something you can create with your child, instead of creating it for them?
Instead of pushing through a checklist, try involving your child in the process:
- Let them choose the order of activities (bath first or story first?)
- Ask what helps them feel cozy and calm
- Create a bedtime “menu” together with 2–3 non-negotiables and 1–2 flexible steps
This turns the routine into a collaboration rather than a power struggle. It gives your child a sense of agency while helping you build predictability that actually works.
You’re tired and that’s okay
One of the biggest shifts in my own parenting came when I stopped pretending I was fine.
If you’re spent, your patience is gone, and you feel like crying instead of reading Goodnight Moon for the 600th time, it might be time to do things differently.
If you’re wiped out and counting the seconds until your kid is asleep, it’s okay to admit that. Try saying:
“Mommy’s tired, too. Let’s help each other get through bedtime.”
You’re not guilting your child. Instead, you’re modeling honesty. Older kids may respond with empathy. Younger kids might not get it yet—but you will. You’ll stop fighting with yourself, and that’s the first step to a better evening.
Final Thoughts: There’s No Perfect Routine
If your bedtime routine is not working, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It might just mean the routine needs to change—and that change can begin with you.
Start earlier in the day. Build in time for your own needs. Invite your child into the process instead of enforcing it top-down. And above all, let go of perfection.
The goal isn’t a picture-perfect bedtime.
The goal is a gentler ending to the day—for you and your child.
I’d love to hear from you what bedtime looks like in your house. Leave me a comment with one thing that works for your family – this way, we can learn from each other.
After all, we’re not supposed to raise our children in isolation, we need a village to help us. If you want to connect with other moms, who get exactly what you are feeling, come join my free Facebook group: Mom Village: Self-Care and Connection for Overwhelmed Moms.
